5. Starship Troopers
Aside from irrevocably butchering Robert Heinlein’s classic novel, Verhoeven managed to take a surefire theme and turn it into a painful mockery of intergalactic warfare. In addition to the soul-less acting from Casper van Dien, we’re exposed to a gratuitous episode of 90210 in space. Except, the chicks in this film aren’t that good looking. Managing to keep their makeup on straight even in the face of relentless hordes of flesh-eating alien bugs, Johnny Rico and his pals fall in and out of love, rescue the girl, escape certain death in the brain bug lair, and save the galaxy.
4. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Sorry. I’m a huge Star Wars fan, but there are some unforgivable issues in this film. First off, “Hey, Padme, sometimes, people don’t say everything they are thinking, especially women.” The dialogue between Padme and Anakin was not only brutally hard to listen to, but it felt like two virgins miming something they saw on late night television, complete with a misunderstanding of what parts go where. If the Jedi are so powerful, how come they can’t see their boy is chillin’ with a villain? Why do the Jedi espouse control and even-handed yet chop off limbs the first time you cross them? How come there’s no travel time anywhere? Why can’t Anakin act? And finally, just after the speech about how much he cares for Anakin, why does Obi-wan walk off leaving him to die slowly of third degree burns and slip back into the river of boiling lava? Oh that’s right, because they’re just making it up as they go. Seriously.
3. Species
Not even gratuitous nudity could save this stinker. Was this another Verhoeven film? Horny alien genes are spliced with a human in a lab and she gets away cuz’ she’s gotta get her game on? Seriously? Okay, so a crack team of specialists are assembled to track down this little lightspeed lover before she seals the deal. But there’s a catch – the alien wants a baby. Quick to wal-greens for some 9mm rounds and some rubbers! That said, I’ve watched the film like six times.
2. The Matrix: Revolutions/Reloaded
Keanu’s acting is enough to make any true artist crap diamonds. The guy couldn’t offer the emotion of a surf board if his life depended on it. I cite the scene where Trinity croaks and he’s got to press on without her. He barely bats an eye. Or the scene where her heart stops and he’s got to restart it. Again, zero emotion. He’s pretty cool with loosing the only thing he cares about. The ten-million dollar high-way chase scene was brilliant, but did it advance the plot? Nope, not really. If Neo can fly and Agent Smith can replicate himself endlessly, why are they fighting? Why, again, would the robots stop when they have the humans once and for all? That’s certainly not logical. Also, Dear Wachowski brothers: please don’t bludgeon me with your misunderstanding of existentialism.
1. Anything Uwe Boll made
I’m not sure how he does it, but this guy can blend a poor understanding of story telling, bad writing and shoddy cinema into a fruit-smoothie of diarrhea for the mind in .5 seconds flat. And they keep giving him projects. House of the Dead (which barely had a house in it, let alone a plot), Dungeon Siege (oh man, I though they were kidding when they said how bad it was – Ray Liotta?), and of course, Alone In the Dark. Wow. Stinkers on a stick seems too kind.
So rather than just bad mouthing these films, rent them and watch them. Break them down into the core component you use in your writing. Character, Plot, Setting, Sensations. Where do they succeed and where do they fail? It’s easier to see the successes in a poor film that a good one. You’re not a distracted by all the cool and glitter, you’re not immersed in the story, hooked ont eh plot, edge-of-your-seat waiting to find out what happens next, yes, then you can easily criticize.