Only a fool, a masochist (and perhaps certain flavors of sadist) shops in stores during the holidays. The madness, the chaos, it’s reminiscent of the birth of the universe: darkness then suddenly brilliant sights and sounds, a million million ideas, colors, worlds, and angry old ladies trying to get the last American Girl doll for little Suzy.
Today at Border’s, as my inner masochist took over, I stood in line watching a creepy old man lean over the counter, asking the little girl if he could use his coupon, even though he didn’t have it with him.
To most mortals, the answer would have been no. Simply put, the coupon is a prerequisite of the discount. But this old man, beer bellied and righteous, his salt and pepper beard, oddly straight comb-over and weathered shoes thought it possible that his mere presence would be enough to command a discount.
The poor little girl behind the counter didn’t know what to do. To her, it was obvious: physical coupon is a prerequisite of monetary discount. That’s why they are called coupons. Else we might all wander through the retail world, demanding that store owners lower their prices. Not a bad idea – I think it was called haggling back in the day and though you can haggle with the IRS, Cable Company and Hospitals, you cannot haggle with McDonald’s, Gamestop or Macy’s. Isn’t that odd?
Anyway, the resolution to this unfolding Border’s Bookstore drama was simple: Say NO or say YES. The little girl, new to the position (obviously hired holiday help) could barely work the register, let alone offer solid advice on the store policy regarding the presence of non-presence of emailed coupons to Border’s Rewards members.
In her situation, thinking some money is better than no money, I would have given the old codger his discount, sent him away happy, and got the line moving again. From her point of view, she wanted to do the right thing, so she called the manager. Who was busy.
You can all guess how the rest of this played out in lengthy detail. When I finally made my purchase, I presented said coupon (understanding that coupon is a prerequisite of discount), followed by my Border’s Rewards card, and then my credit card. One, two, three. I for lack of a better term, am a well prepared consumer.
So well prepared in fact, that I refuse to do shopping for anyone in the month of December. Everything, and I mean everything, can be done online.
Gift Ideas
Often we’re at a loss for what to purchase someone. Parents and grandparents are especially difficult to buy for. They tend to have everything they need. So, we wander into a store, hoping we’ll see some odd product that we could never have thought of otherwise. But, a simple Google check will provide the same thing. In fact, the Google for gifts is better, because hundreds, if not thousands of merchants are jockeying for your business. Specialized sites for just about any person you could be buying for exist, with links to products, gadgets, books, t-shirts, key chains (I bought myself a Robotech keychain just the other day) and all manner of items, junkwise or other.
Gift-wrapping
Men! Pay special attention here. Most sites will gift wrap things for you. Holy hamburgers in a blender! What more could you ask for? It’s worth the two bucks. Trust me.
Delivery
If you’re reading this and thinking “Yeah, I’ll have it all delivered and wrapped and my Christmas shopping is taken care of…” you’re about two weeks to late. As with all things, order early. Now you’ll be paying a premium to get your gifts on time. If they even arrive. As I once said to a disgruntled women trying to order “American Girl” dolls for her granddaughter “Little Suzy’s birthday happens the same time every year. You can’t order the day before and expect it to arrive on time. You’ll have to explain to her why her gifts are late.”
The Short List
The best places to shop online are listed below, and by the seventh of December, you might even be able to still get things delivered.
1. Amazon.com
Perhaps the finest and most powerful online shopping experience known to man, Amazon has everything. Videogames, cookware, books, DVDs, I’ve heard rumors you can even get Russian Brides somewhere, in the deep links.
2. Serenityhealth.com
These fine folks have been in business for years, specializing in healthy, relaxation gifts. Their products are almost as wide and varied as Amazon’s, except with a more “you-centric” focus. Water fountains, designer candles, quality bean bags, wind chimes, hammocks, the list literally, goes on and on. The added bonus is these folks will fill your order the same day and do their best to make the holiday for you.
3. Walgreens.com
Without compare, this website has everything. From valium (sorry you need a script to order the good stuff) to the irascible Snuggie, Walgreens has everything. They’ve even got “adult products” available on their website. And really, who doesn’t want a Chia-Obama or Slap-Chop as seen on TV?