somenewlanguage

The one thing I always hate about cinema is when films build upon one another’s cosmology. Legion, a sub-par piece in every sense of the word, starts off with bloody scene where the archangel Michael severs his own wings. He then stitches up the gaping wounds himself, as he is now mortal.

Being something of a mythology researcher, I’ve found no mention in Christian Biblical Lore about angels becoming mortal when they cut off their wings. In fact, this is an invention of the writer/director Kevin Smith. So, right off the bat, the basis for the film Legion is something Kevin Smith coughed up between bong hits.

The rest of the plot is a mish-mash stolen from films like The Prophecy, revolving about the classic “Hold-Out-And-Run” template. Aliens, 30 Days of Night, Dawn of the Dead (remake), The Mist and about a thousand other films of the genre share the same “story” arc; the characters are presented with an impossible challenge, one steels their wills to survive and they fortify until they realize they must move to stay alive. This decision invariably costs the characters that which they sought so hard to preserve – each other.

An ensemble piece, the cast of characters were there merely to add to the body count. Their deaths however, were nothing less than ignoble, usually getting chewed up by some file-toothed “angel” who has inhabited a human body.

The details of the plot are inconsequential – God wants to kill humans, but the Archangel Michael disagrees. Gabriel flies down after an hour of forced character development and begins to kick ass.

As a writer, you are obligated not to assault your audience’s sense of plausibility. Many will argue the “suspension of disbelief” is elastic and should be stretched – if I can accept that angels are real, I should be able to accept that angels would swoop down and enact God’s will.

However, this film left so many loop holes, even the most devout may begin to question their faith. The only new elements added to the archangels arsenal were bladed, bullet proof wings (stolen, if I remember correctly, from a Marvel Comics character named Archangel) and of course, a mace straight from the MI6 labs – a bludgeoning weapon that whirred and twisted and changes shape, extended and transformed, though likely too heave for even the new James Bond to heft, he was no doubt drooling over the versatility of this ridiculous weapon.

To spoil an already predictable plot, the good guys win and Michael gets his wings back, having taught the omniscient and omnipotent God a lesson in mercy. Gabriel flies off, beaten and the main characters, a trailer-park hussy/new mother and a bumpkin named Jeep (whose only heroic act was to machine-gun a child possessed by an angel) drive off into the post apocalypse desert to rebuild humanity, enacting a sloppy Joseph and Mary/Post Flood analog.

Overall, a  forgettable film.

In this film, perhaps for the first time in the history of vampire-cinema, the immortal la vida loca is painted in a realistic light. We step into a dimly lit world where vampirism, spread like a sexual disease or perhaps a viral plague has consumed and transformed most of the world.

The plot centers around a vampire who doesn’t like being a vampire (what, eternal youth, power and indestructibility not as much fun as you thought they’d be?), who by chance encounters the dwindling human resistance.  Proving himself a  friend to sheeple everywhere, the bipedal cattle bring this hematologist in on their plan to cure the vampiric infection.

The film is filled with those clever little gimmicks, like “daylight” driving windows, tinted 100% opaque, and a warren of underground tunnels that allows the leeches to travel during daylight hours. Willem Dafoe plays a blue-collar vampire who accidentally cured himself, and with the help of Ethan Hawke, intends to help cure all of humanity. Meanwhile, the blood supply is out, and the vampires are tearing off their neckties and degenerating into the nosferatu-esque and savage true vampiric form. Gross.

Half-developed characters stumble through subplots, while the audience is treated to constant barrage of surreal gore, squishing noises and vampires that are so starved, they turn on one another.

The films true weakness comes in the form of the cure – a shake and bake solution requiring neither hematologist nor faith nor garlic/silver oxide solution to achieve. Not impressed.

True vampire fans will enjoy this classic tale of moderate redemption wrapped in Big Business Dystopia, but those demanding substance will find the film without much of a bite.

One of the things I love about contemporary cinema is the filmmaker’s collective understanding of our extremely short attention spans. Sherlock Holmes is a film that indulges that attention deficiency in the extreme.

While I, and perhaps other members of the audience were expecting something more akin to a mystery, I found myself delighting in the pacing. The lightning quick scene-to-scene action slowly but surely redefined Holmes and the indefatigable Watson. There were moments in the film where I felt they were more like Dr. Hunter S. Thompson and His Attorney, than the legendary sleuth.

The dismissal of layered mystery and sub-plot worked for this action adventure film. Sherlock, it seems, has been re-invented.

Reader’s will notice I always gloss over the acting. Well, I’m not changing my pattern. Downey Jr. was excellent, as well as Jude Law, both tried and true performers. I expected no less. In fact, considering their past roles, this might have been a screw-off project for them. Supporting cast was adequate. (Sidenote: I’ve heard rumors that Brad Pitt is cast as Moriarty – dashing my own aspirations – while Pitt has performed some excellent roles, it is my belief that he needs heavy interaction with the director – how else could you explain his “blah” portrayal of Achilles, perhaps the most archetypical character in the history of man?)

A mystery/thriller necessarily must play upon the audiences limited perspective, elsewise we would figure out the mystery well ahead of the main character. Thus, during the big reveal, we see Holmes’ perception of details the audience simply wasn’t shown. That’s cheating.

All said, I loved the film, it will definitely go into my Blu-Ray collection, right next to Iron Man.

The moon was spying on me, watching me through my little window. The sky was blue and the winter moon was a clear three-quarter full. The only other thing visible from my high window was a massive pine. It was like and angry watcher, its branches fracturing the afternoon blue of the sky.

The moon watched as I devoured a Nutroll, the nuts cracking and shattering as I chomped, crumbs piling around me, landing on the slick surface of my grim obsidian desk.

I hunkered down and she crept up higher in the sky to keep eyes on what I was doing. I devoured the candy.  The salt from the Nutroll was making me lick my lips. The goo in the center of the candy bar was sticking in my teeth and I was moving my mouth and cheeks in an effort to dislodge the tooth decayer. But I couldn’t give up the salt, so both efforts, the salt removal and the sticky candy-goo removal took twice as long.

The moon watched while I feasted like a dog.

I found myself repeating “what a beautiful film” to everyone who asked me what I thought. And it was. It was stunning. We’ve been spoiled by special effects in the last ten years. We’ve seen superheroes come to life, mighty starships free themselves of the confining wires and cameras on dollies, make effects have been completely replaced by 100% digital effects.

Some hardcore film folk will suggest this is the down fall of cinema, the day the actor and director no longer interface is that day we’re all watching cartoons written my mad children.

And I would tend to agree. Jar-Jar Binks is my primary evidence.

But Avatar, all three hours of it, was something special. The plot itself was simple - to quote my uncle “a child could have written it,” and that’s okay. Most of the best stories are those that we all understand on a primal level. This film was nothing more complicated than Dances With Wolves in space. Which is okay too, since Alien was Jaws in Space and Attack of the Clones was just Star Wars in space (that last one was a joke).

The plot, essentially runs like this - Marine agent goes native. Saves people. Aside from the spectacular setting, there was nothing new or interesting about the story itself. Ancient as the plot may have been, it resonates with audiences because of some very simple and all too human elements: loss.

A sub-textual critique of the plight of Native American peoples can easily be read into Cameron’s somewhat heavy-handed action flick, but the secondary plot thread is entirely unnecessary.

I was disappointed to see that Cameron’s treat of space marines has changed little since the days of Aliens - the jarheads are mostly without conscience and still even talk the same. “Get some!” seems to be a common phrase in all centuries of Jim Cameron’s military vision. While I find his view of our own warrior caste somewhat two dimensional, I must applaud is continued use of powered armor.

Plausibility was kept at an all time high for a sci-fi action flick, and lord in heaven, this was a beautiful film. Simply gorgeous to look at.

I won’t comment on the acting. Sigourney Weaver is a professional who simply cannot deliver a poor performance. Our hero did most of his work in voice over mode, as well as the love interest. Michele Rodriguez (of Resident Evil fame) is sassy and sharp, but her character was a combination of Vasquez and Ferro from Aliens (can Jim never leave LV-426 behind?)

Dan Abnett strikes again with another thrilling installment of the Gaunt’s Ghosts saga. After their marginal victory at Hinzerhaus, the Tanith First and Only  are given some much needed downtime. Two years of it.

This story picks up with a Commissar-Colonel Gaunt wondering just how soft he’s gotten. One is reminded of the opening scenes of Apocalypse Now, where Martin Sheen stares out of his window wondering he’ll get orders to leave Saigon.

Gaunt’s Ghosts are no different than any other combat veteran, an entire regiment of soldiery so tuned up and keyed to self=preservation through violence, it’s no wonder that the Ghost’s run astray.

The novel opens with a gruesome scene wherein the infiltration of the Sabbat Crusade’s HQ world is cleverly explained. I won’t give too much more detail for fear of spoiling a fun read.

I did note, however, that it was page 67 before I felt the old interest, that Abnett page-turning, pulse-pounding sci-fi pulp action returning. Aside from the Blood Pact infiltration, I honestly can’t remember what happened in those first 67 pages.

As a long time Gaunt’s Ghosts fan, I think my patience for their antics is higher than would be for a new reader. I also found myself reflecting on the characters, it feels as if most of the original Ghosts are gone now. The replacement characters have yet to become fully endeared to me and I wonder, how will this regiment end up?

Gaunt’s capture and torture in the last book were cleanly glossed over, and any residual trauma he may have had has yet to make itself known…

As a writer, you hate to bash another writer’s work. You always want to try to find something positive to say about it. In college, when doing peer readings, hyper-critical as I am, I found myself not saying much. One of my favorite professors said “You’ve a great integrity about you when comment…”

I think she meant that I didn’t just spout off for a grade like the other students. The truth was, I seldom had anything good to say.

Tim Waggoner’s Thieves of Blood: Blade of the Flame read’s like an introductory page from a Dungeons and Dragon’s Gaming book. The exposition nearly bowls a person over, and the character archetypes offer nothing new to readers.

That said, if this book is classed as young adult fiction, or used as the marketing piece it was obviously intended to be, it’s a total success. Those not familiar with the Eberron campaign setting will find the book enlightening. Another refreshing aspect of Waggoner’s approach is his general lack of an “origins” story. He simply starts in with two pre-existing characters and allows their histories, though somewhat two-dimensional they may be, to unfold naturally for the reader.

Another thing the writer’s done here, which I appreciate greatly, is create a literary adventure, a time filler for young adults, that needs neither electricity or software.

B+

Ever have one of those days where no matter how hard you try you can’t think of anything to write? In college, the professors would always warn us “Don’t write the writer’s block story… it’s been done to death.”

I’m sure it has. “Never write the solo person in one room. Nothing happens.” There’s some sense in the advice too – unless of course you’re me. Right now, my office is three stories above my library. Which is now conveniently referred to as Archives.

The room I currently occupy, much like the T.A.R.D.I.S., has the ability to transport me, my trusty laptop (named Hera – she runs Vista, what can I say) and any additional accoutrements I may need to wherever I see fit. Currently, we’re planning a trip past the pleasure planet Teytruis. I’ll leave the sordid details of my stop to your imagination.

Then, I think we’ll swing around towards the galaxy. I want to see this “Super Massive Black hole” for myself.

I read “Death by Black hole” by Neil DeGrasse Tyson (an excellent read, by the by) about a year ago, and since then, I’ve been chomping to get see this thing close up (relatively speaking).

Any another thing, since at the point of singularity, all laws of physics break down and we can’t really see past the event horizon in a black hole (because you know, it’s a black hole), that means the singularity could look like anything.

I vote for dinosaurs.

First off, I applaud your efforts. Games Workshop and their affiliates have embraced technology from day one. I remember playing Chaos Gate more than ten, maybe fifteen years ago, and loving it. I still find myself muttering “The heat of one thousand suns shall purify your soul!” when rolling dice for Rogue Trader and Dark Heresy.

Of course, I don’t need to point out that Chaos Gate never actually worked. There was a patch you could download so that your Dreadnaughts and Predators could move (an essential aspect for mechanized heavy weapons).  That patch, however, never worked. I once built a PC from the ground up with the express purpose of playing Chaos Gate - still no luck. Sure, I could play, but it just never worked quite right. I’ve still got a copy of the game - I keep it in my archives hoping some day, someone will hand me a disk with the patch that actually worked on it. Then, of course, gold will fall from the sky.

Since then, Games Workshop had put forth some serious effort in the video game realm, and each time, you seem to be met with absolute failure.  I won’t pretend to know what goes into making a video game. Somehow I suspect it’s a little more than a selection of weapons and armor and bosses to hack apart at the end.

But I’ve got to ask why…

Why, for your first person shooter (Firewarrior) did you choose the Tau? Why not an Imperial Guardsman or Space Marine? The Tau? Seriously? These pruned up little Taoist, yet classist aliens with little or no involvement in the Imperium of Man whatsoever? Well, being a good monkey, I bought it the day it was released, haranguing my roommate when we lived in downtown Chicago until she drove me to my favorite GameStop. The game was fun. I felt foolish putting thirty lasrifle rounds into a guardsman, but I was just happy to be laying in the Warhammer 40,000 setting.

Then, there was Dawn of War - well done. I still play this game on occasion. I have no criticism for this game. However, that leaves me a little shocked, and worried for this next game - Space Marine. Is a third-person action slug-fest where you want to go with the Imperium’s finest warriors? And armed with a Power-hammer no less?  Personally, I’ve never wanted to play a bulldozer in any video game I’ve owned. I know, it’s too late now. I just had to get this off my chest. Good luck. I’ll buy the damned thing. Just… try not to let me down too badly.

Only a fool, a masochist (and perhaps certain flavors of sadist) shops in stores during the holidays. The madness, the chaos, it’s reminiscent of the birth of the universe: darkness then suddenly brilliant sights and sounds, a million million ideas, colors, worlds, and angry old ladies trying to get the last American Girl doll for little Suzy.

Today at Border’s, as my inner masochist took over, I stood in line watching a creepy old man lean over the counter, asking the little girl if he could use his coupon, even though he didn’t have it with him.

To most mortals, the answer would have been no. Simply put, the coupon is a prerequisite of the discount. But this old man, beer bellied and righteous, his salt and pepper beard, oddly straight comb-over and weathered shoes thought it possible that his mere presence would be enough to command a discount.

The poor little girl behind the counter didn’t know what to do. To her, it was obvious: physical coupon is a prerequisite of monetary discount. That’s why they are called coupons. Else we might all wander through the retail world, demanding that store owners lower their prices. Not a bad idea – I think it was called haggling back in the day and though you can haggle with the IRS, Cable Company and Hospitals, you cannot haggle with McDonald’s, Gamestop or Macy’s. Isn’t that odd?

Anyway, the resolution to this unfolding Border’s Bookstore drama was simple: Say NO or say YES. The little girl, new to the position (obviously hired holiday help) could barely work the register, let alone offer solid advice on the store policy regarding the presence of non-presence of emailed coupons to Border’s Rewards members.

In her situation, thinking some money is better than no money, I would have given the old codger his discount, sent him away happy, and got the line moving again. From her point of view, she wanted to do the right thing, so she called the manager. Who was busy.

You can all guess how the rest of this played out in lengthy detail. When I finally made my purchase, I presented said coupon (understanding that coupon is a prerequisite of discount), followed by my Border’s Rewards card, and then my credit card. One, two, three. I for lack of a better term, am a well prepared consumer.

So well prepared in fact, that I refuse to do shopping for anyone in the month of December. Everything, and I mean everything, can be done online.

Gift Ideas
Often we’re at a loss for what to purchase someone. Parents and grandparents are especially difficult to buy for. They tend to have everything they need. So, we wander into a store, hoping we’ll see some odd product that we could never have thought of otherwise. But, a simple Google check will provide the same thing. In fact, the Google for gifts is better, because hundreds, if not thousands of merchants are jockeying for your business. Specialized sites for just about any person you could be buying for exist, with links to products, gadgets, books, t-shirts, key chains (I bought myself a Robotech keychain just the other day) and all manner of items, junkwise or other.

Gift-wrapping
Men! Pay special attention here. Most sites will gift wrap things for you. Holy hamburgers in a blender! What more could you ask for? It’s worth the two bucks. Trust me.

Delivery
If you’re reading this and thinking “Yeah, I’ll have it all delivered and wrapped and my Christmas shopping is taken care of…” you’re about two weeks to late. As with all things, order early. Now you’ll be paying a premium to get your gifts on time. If they even arrive. As I once said to a disgruntled women trying to order “American Girl” dolls for her granddaughter “Little Suzy’s birthday happens the same time every year. You can’t order the day before and expect it to arrive on time. You’ll have to explain to her why her gifts are late.”

The Short List
The best places to shop online are listed below, and by the seventh of December, you might even be able to still get things delivered.

1. Amazon.com
Perhaps the finest and most powerful online shopping experience known to man, Amazon has everything. Videogames, cookware, books, DVDs, I’ve heard rumors you can even get Russian Brides somewhere, in the deep links.

2. Serenityhealth.com
These fine folks have been in business for years, specializing in healthy, relaxation gifts. Their products are almost as wide and varied as Amazon’s, except with a more “you-centric” focus. Water fountains, designer candles, quality bean bags, wind chimes, hammocks, the list literally, goes on and on. The added bonus is these folks will fill your order the same day and do their best to make the holiday for you.

3. Walgreens.com
Without compare, this website has everything. From valium (sorry you need a script to order the good stuff) to the irascible Snuggie, Walgreens has everything. They’ve even got “adult products” available on their website. And really, who doesn’t want a Chia-Obama or Slap-Chop as seen on TV?