How many of you have seen the recent film “Role Models?” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0430922/) You’ll notice it had five writers working on the script. In film lingo, “and” means the two worked together on the project. The “ & “ means the second person re-wrote the script. When you see something like this:

…it means the script was written by a committee and is likely to suck since we all know that a group of people can’t really do anything. Don’t believe me? Have three people order a pizza and try to get everyone what they want. It doesn’t work. Someone will have to give.

I digress.

What follows is an excerpt from a story I wrote in early (February) 2006, for my final “Fiction Seminar” course, my senior year of my undergraduate program.

“Morning, I slow-drift into the Starbucks on the corner. Despite everything I know about Starbucks, it still means only one thing to me: coffee.

The sights and sounds are all alien to me, but I can smell coffee. I do not like coffee, but I need it. Entering the place, I find tall men, in black wool coats, scarves and newspapers. They drink things, the mill about. Women, hawk faces with too much make-up, too much perfume, like some sort of poisonous flower. So oddly attractive, you are drawn to it, and when you touch it or breath it in, the trap is sprung. The thick pollen sets in your innards and festers. You’ll never be free of it.

There is a line and a woman-girl in a Starbucks uniform takes my order well before I get to the register. Efficiency. Blinking the tentacles of Chanel from my eyes, I turn and reply.

“Medium coffee please.”

Moments later I’m at the register. A boy-man stares at me. “You had the venti?”

“What? I don’t speak latin.”

“What?” He stares.

“Venti. Sounds latin. I guess it could be Spanish. I could probably speak Spanish.”

He looks at me.

“What, Sir?”

“You know, Spanish? I could probably speak it. Like, hola, gracias, su casa es me banyo, that sorta shit.”

“Sir, did you order a venti coffee?”

“I ordered a medium coffee.”

“That’s what venti means.”

“No it doesn’t. I lied to you before. I speak a little Latin. Venti means to come. I doubt it means medium in Spanish either.” He stared. I went on.

“Come to think of it, medium means medium in Latin. At least, medi, medius, mediam.”

Behind me, a voice. “What hell is your problem buddy?”

I turn to face a tall man in a black wool long coat. He looks, funny to me, so I half smile.

“My problem is that this kid is making up words. And I’m dying.”

I put three dollars on the counter, grab my medium coffee and leave.”

The story was submitted to the instructor, Antonia Rose Logue, and shared with ten other students for their review and critique. I also published the original version of the story on LiveJournal (Feb. 6th, 2006 at 2:38 PM). Considering the copies that were made and distributed for the class, there is no end to possibilities of who saw the original story.

Watch the film “Role-Models.”

Tell me, then, honestly, if they stole my scene. Then, tell me what I can do about it…

4. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Sorry. I’m a huge Star Wars fan, but there are some unforgivable issues in this film. First off, “Hey, Padme, sometimes, people don’t say everything they are thinking, especially women.” The dialogue between Padme and Anakin was not only brutally hard to listen to, but it felt like two virgins miming something they saw on late night television, complete with a misunderstanding of what parts go where. If the Jedi are so powerful, how come they can’t see their boy is chillin’ with a villain? Why do the Jedi espouse control and even-handed yet chop off limbs the first time you cross them? How come there’s no travel time anywhere? Why can’t Anakin act? And finally, just after the speech about how much he cares for Anakin, why does Obi-wan walk off leaving him to die slowly of third degree burns and slip back into the river of boiling lava? Oh that’s right, because they’re just making it up as they go. Seriously.

3. Species
Not even gratuitous nudity could save this stinker. Was this another Verhoeven film? Horny alien genes are spliced with a human in a lab and she gets away cuz’ she’s gotta get her game on? Seriously? Okay, so a crack team of specialists are assembled to track down this little lightspeed lover before she seals the deal. But there’s a catch – the alien wants a baby. Quick to wal-greens for some 9mm rounds and some rubbers! That said, I’ve watched the film like six times.

2. The Matrix: Revolutions/Reloaded
Keanu’s acting is enough to make any true artist crap diamonds. The guy couldn’t offer the emotion of a surf board if his life depended on it. I cite the scene where Trinity croaks and he’s got to press on without her. He barely bats an eye. Or the scene where her heart stops and he’s got to restart it. Again, zero emotion. He’s pretty cool with loosing the only thing he cares about. The ten-million dollar high-way chase scene was brilliant, but did it advance the plot? Nope, not really. If Neo can fly and Agent Smith can replicate himself endlessly, why are they fighting? Why, again, would the robots stop when they have the humans once and for all? That’s certainly not logical. Also, Dear Wachowski brothers: please don’t bludgeon me with your misunderstanding of existentialism.

1. Anything Uwe Boll made
I’m not sure how he does it, but this guy can blend a poor understanding of story telling, bad writing and shoddy cinema into a fruit-smoothie of diarrhea for the mind in .5 seconds flat. And they keep giving him projects. House of the Dead (which barely had a house in it, let alone a plot), Dungeon Siege (oh man, I though they were kidding when they said how bad it was – Ray Liotta?), and of course, Alone In the Dark. Wow. Stinkers on a stick seems too kind.

So rather than just bad mouthing these films, rent them and watch them. Break them down into the core component you use in your writing. Character, Plot, Setting, Sensations. Where do they succeed and where do they fail? It’s easier to see the successes in a poor film that a good one. You’re not a distracted by all the cool and glitter, you’re not immersed in the story, hooked ont eh plot, edge-of-your-seat waiting to find out what happens next, yes, then you can easily criticize.